Michael’s Best Quotes From ‘The Good Place’

Throughout his haloed career, actor Ted Danson has played everything from a cynical bar owner in Cheers to a fictionalized version of himself in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Once again, fans are eating up his latest TV offering, Netflix’s A Man on the Inside. Among his many roles, one of the most remarkable and hilarious was the character of Michael in The Good Place. A Bad Place architect and demon, Michael was initially tasked with torturing Eleanor, Chidi, Jason, and Tahani, but he’d later come to love humans and even desire to be one.

The Good Place‘s setup is comedy gold, pitting the humans against Michael, and later, Michael and the humans against the entire afterlife ecosystem. While the whole show delivers laugh after laugh, Ted Danson’s lines stand out as especially funny, revealing a lack of human knowledge, delight in suffering, and strangely, an obsession with Friends.

10 “And then you lick the cloth? That seems way weirder.”

Season 1, Episode 2

After noticing a flaw in his neighborhood, Michael called the humans together to discuss what was going on. Anxiously, he began to sweat, and he told Janet (played by D’Arcy Carden) that his armpits were leaking. Still new to a human body and uncertain what to do in this situation, Michael began licking his jacket to remove the sweat. Janet told him to dab it with a cloth instead, which he did, before attempting to lick that as well.

Even Funnier on a Rewatch

Ted Danson is a master of funny, confused faces, and Michael is king when it comes to over-the-top panicking. Combined, these make for a hilarious scene. In hindsight, the lines are even funnier because Michael knew what was going on in the neighborhood and had intentionally set up the flaw, which means the sweating was part of his act. He could have left out the licking part entirely, but for some reason, he decided to go for it.

9 “Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That’s how you got Beyoncé.”

Season 1, Episode 4

Early on in Season 1, the exceedingly grand Tahani was asked to organize the launch of a new restaurant. At the same time, she was trying to get her alleged soulmate Jason (currently going by Jianyu) to break his vow of silence. After mistakenly thinking that he was attempting to become comfortable speaking again, she decided to invite him to the restaurant opening. Excitedly, she remarked that the event would now be even “perfect-er.” She then acknowledged that nothing was more perfect than perfect, which led Michael to explain that, actually, some things were.

See Her Halo

This would be one of many references Michael and the other characters would make to real-world celebrities, and his straightforward delivery (plus actress Jameela Jamil’s reaction) sold the line. It’s a bit of a head-scratcher logistically, but because it’s Beyoncé, it also kind of makes sense. Plus, it suggests she’s one of the few characters who might have had a shot at the original (real) Good Place.

8 “Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.”

Season 2, Episode 2

After countless neighborhood reboots, Michael remained unsuccessful in his attempt to torture the humans. Each time, Eleanor, played by the talented Kristen Bell, guessed that they were actually in the Bad Place, which led to Michael erasing the foursome’s memory again and again. During Attempt #649, things got even more embarrassing for the demon when Jason figured out what was going on. Dejectedly, Michael remarked that, “this one hurts,” but as an audience, we couldn’t help but laugh.

One of Many Jason Jokes

Manny Jacinto’s Jason wasn’t the brightest of the bunch, and the other characters often called him out for his lack of intelligence, his inability to pay attention, and his love of the Jacksonville Jaguars. He took all of these blows with his trademark grin, which made it easy to root for him and laugh at Michael’s actual pain when Jason finally outsmarted him.

7 “Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.”

Season 2, Episode 3

As Michael’s failures continued piling up, his employee Vicky began blackmailing him. In response, Michael tried to team up with the humans, which meant explaining their situation and his demon form. Confused, Eleanor asked why he looked human, so Michael explained that all employees of the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs received a human body in order to learn how best to torture it. He then mentioned the “dangly bits” that took some time getting used to, prompting Eleanor’s reaction of “Gross” and his humorous response.

A Funny Follow-up Question

As previously mentioned, Michael often displayed a lack of understanding when it came to humans. This included everything from their emotions to anatomy, so statements like this weren’t unexpected from him, but they were always comedic. On another funny note, this line leads the viewer to wonder what Michael thought Eleanor actually meant.

6 “So, Chidi, just wanted to double-check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?”

Season 2, Episode 7

When Janet made herself a rebound guy, Derek, Michael was worried he’d ruin their plans. Panicking (as he often does), Michael ran to Chidi seeking advice, which led to the quote above. Already hilarious, what made this line even funnier was actor William Jackson Harper’s deadpan response of, “It’s frowned upon.”

Needs More Ethics Classes

For this line to come almost halfway through the series serves as a funny commentary on just how little Michael has learned so far. Michael would continue to show this lack of understanding as he continued, “What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That’s okay, right?”

5 “Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It’s not for that!”

Season 2, Episode 9

In order to get to the Good Place, Michael set up a hot air balloon that would allow the humans to enter only if they’d achieved their best self. When the balloon refused entry to Eleanor, she realized that her best self was the version of her that was in love with Chidi. She then asked Michael to tell her more about this self, so he described the pair’s first kiss before condemning the act as “Gross.”

He’s Not Wrong

Michael’s inability to understand humans often made him the butt of the joke. However, lines like this flipped the script, highlighting some of the funny aspects of human nature. Additionally, as usual, Ted Danson’s delivery is fantastic, making the viewer question if he might be onto something.

4 “A stress ball with a dumb corporate logo. Oh, I can’t wait to keep finding this and then almost throw it away, and then think, ‘No, I’ll use it.'”

Season 2, Episode 9

Michael’s plans have seemingly failed, and the Good Place appears out of reach. Thinking they’re about to be tortured for eternity, he decides to spend a final night together with the humans, during which the humans gift him an honorary human kit. The kit contains car keys, band-aids, a stress ball, and a Dr. Oz dieting book. Michael reacts with excitement to each item before lovingly proclaiming, “This is all garbage that I have no real use for.”

His Best Self

As Michael spent more time with the humans, he became more and more interested in them, and they eventually developed a friendship together. Along with being funny, this scene was a sweet moment between the characters, hinting at their deeper relationship to come.

3 “It’s Jeremy Bearimy. I don’t know what to tell you. That’s the easiest way to describe it.”

Season 3, Episode 4

The humans are sent back to Earth to prove themselves, but things go awry after they learn about the Good Place, which corrupts their motivation. They then ask how they were sent back to Earth in the first place when so many years must have passed. This leads to Michael explaining the Jeremy Bearimy system of time in the afterlife, which winds up not explaining anything at all.

Our Brains Melted

Like Chidi pointed out, the most confusing part of Jeremy Bearimy might be the dot, which is Tuesdays, July, and sometimes never. But unlike him, this wasn’t a source of existential dread for audiences, but instead, peak comedy.

2 “Yeah yeah, the Time-Knife. We’ve all seen it.”

Season 3, Episode 11

During the episode “Chidi Sees the Time-Knife,” Chidi fittingly sees the Time-Knife, which he describes as “a trillion different realities folding onto each other, like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade.” As he tries to recover from the experience, Michael calmly responds, “Yeah yeah, the Time-Knife. We’ve all seen it,” before encouraging Chidi to get the conversation back on track, as if the Time-Knife is no more interesting than the weather.

Cultural Differences

So many times before, Ted Danson’s funny lines were in reference to Michael’s lack of human understanding. In this case, the joke is instead showing how little humans understand about the afterlife. More to the point, this moment is hilarious due to Michael’s disinterest juxtaposed with Chidi’s existential terror. It seems like Danson might have agreed, because if you pause in just the right place, it looks like he’s breaking character.

1 “Are you gonna sit there and tell me that every single Friend belongs in Hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler… but Phoebe?”

Season 4, Episode 8

As The Good Place neared its conclusion, Michael went to trial in order to prove that humans could become better people. He pointed out that, under his new neighborhood system, six people improved, which was the same number of friends in Friends. He then asked the judge whether she truly believed all the characters in Friends deserved Hell, before pointing out that most of them did… but Phoebe?

Phoebe and the Good Place

Throughout the series, Michael made numerous Friends references, showing an extensive knowledge and interest in the series. For example, in episode 6 of Season 1, he commented that he felt like season 8 of Friends, which was “out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.”

This later Friends reference is especially funny, not just because of Ted Danson’s delivery, but also because of what was to come; a few episodes later, Phoebe’s actress Lisa Kudrow made an appearance in the series. Funnily enough, Michael didn’t seem to recognize her.