When it comes to Christmas comedies, one of the best to ever be made is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It ranks right up there with A Christmas Story and Elf, and for good reason. Chevy Chase is brilliant in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, as the midwest family man, Clark Griswold, trying to create the perfect Christmas for his merry brood. Which is easier said than done, given he has to put up with the arrival of unexpected guests, hiccups with the holiday decor, and a stingy boss unwilling to give out the usual Christmas bonus. However, all of these curveballs create all the great laughs for fans.
Speaking of laughs, Clark has a number of funny zingers in the comedy. Although it was hard to narrow down which ones are his funniest lines, the list below does a pretty good job consolidating the best of the best. So without further ado, here are the best 8.
8
“Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.”
The Griswold family was just setting out to get a Christmas tree. A relatively simple task on paper that turned into a hilarious incident of road rage. As Clark is driving his wife, Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo), and their two kids, Russ (Johnny Galecki) and Audrey (Juliette Lewis), to pick out a tree, they run into some trouble with two guys in a blueish-green pickup truck. These men antagonize Clark on the road, and that prompts Clark to discreetly give them the finger. In response, the antagonists speed up and cut off the Griswolds.
Not to be outdone, Clark puts his pedal to the metal to catch up to the duo, much to Ellen’s chagrin. As he does, he spits out the phrase, “I’m going to pull around them and leave them safely behind us. Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.” Russ quickly informs his dad that he didn’t quite get the expression right, but Clark waves him off and continues following the truck until he catches up to it and calls the two men inside “liver lips.”
Across the National Lampoon franchise, one thing remains the same. Place a pretty woman in front of Clark, and he tends to become a bit of a blubbering shell of himself. Case in point, in the Christmas installment, when Clark goes to the mall in search of a gift for his wife, he finds himself being helped by a very attractive sales associate. Now he starts making blunders from the very moment he lays eyes on her, but he really steps in it when he says:
“It wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter … hotter … than they are. Woo, it is warm in here.”
As for the sales associate’s response, she largely glosses over it. In fact, she ignores several other gaffes Clark makes after that “hooter” comment. Thankfully, Russ ultimately approaches his dad to break up the awkward exchange just as the sales associate is showing Clark some lingerie.
6
“Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat Jello?”
Aunt Bethany (Mae Questel) is secretly a fan-favorite for many who have seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Her quirky commentary and matching offbeat behavior continue to be funny no matter how many times you watch the movie. With that being said, as the entire family gathers around to eat Christmas dinner, a jello mold that Aunt Bethany adorns the table.
The lime green gelatin sits there on a white plate, garnished with potato chips surrounding the mold, and actual cat food mixed inside. Seeing the creative dish pushes Clark to ask, “Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat Jello?” She never answers the question.
It’s worth noting that countless viewers watch this scene and wonder why half the mold is gone, and who in their right mind would eat so much? But leave it to Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) to admit he’s the one enjoying it.
5
“Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah.”
Again, one of the plot lines of the movie is Clark’s bonus. He’s used to getting an annual Christmas bonus from his boss, but the extra money doesn’t arrive as usual. So throughout the film, there’s some built-up angst for Clark in regards to when it may come.
During a scene where Clark is at work, his boss, Mr. Shirley (Brian Doyle-Murray), and his team of cronies walk up to him. Mr. Shirley doesn’t do so to give Clark the highly desired bonus, but rather to demand that Clark write up a brief summary for a presentation that Mr. Shirley has to give. Clark agrees to do it, but as Mr. Shirley and his team walk away, Clark mumbles, “Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah.”
Clark’s blatant disrespect turns out to be a precursor to what comes later. Although Eddie is the one who winds up kidnapping Mr. Shirley, Clark’s growing hostility toward his superior lays the groundwork for the kidnapping and subsequent police invasion of the Griswold home.
4
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?”
The relationship between Clark and Eddie is comedy gold. By and large, Clark can’t stand his cousin, as Eddie is nothing short of intrusive. Meanwhile, Eddie is aloof to Clark’s at times hostile feelings, but ironically comes through for Clark when it matters.
That being said, during a one-on-one conversation with Clark in the Griswold living room, Eddie rattles off what his children are up to. As Eddie continues to talk, Clark walks to a corner of the room and says, “Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?”
Remarkably, it appears as if Eddie never hears the line about being left for David, as he replies, “Nah, I’m doing just fine Clark.” Eddie then carries on with the conversation, while Clark plasters a phony smile across his face.
3
“Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn onto the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.”
Speaking of the Clark and Eddie dynamic, it’s introduced in this National Lampoon‘s film when Eddie arrives with his family at the Griswolds. It comes just as Clark (well, Ellen) finally gets the Christmas lights working. As Clark looks at his decorated home with pride, Eddie pops up and congratulates Clark on the accomplishment. Clark is shocked to see Eddie, and is almost left speechless when Eddie informs him that he and his family are going to be spending Christmas with the Griswolds.
When Eddie finally asks Clark if he’s surprised to see him, Clark responds, “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” Again, Eddie seems not to catch onto the subtle, shady remark.
2
“And when Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the…”
Despite trying his best to maintain a happy facade, a moment comes when Clark finally loses his cool in epic fashion. When his parents and in-laws try to bail on the disastrous Christmas festivities, Clark snaps and goes on a tirade. Despite Ellen imploring him to calm down and let the family leave if they want, he refuses to relent. One of the things he says is, “And when Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.”
Now it’s worth mentioning that the statement doesn’t end on the most appropriate of notes. However, the overall sentiment of the phrase and the way Clark delivers it is pretty funny from a fan perspective, especially the line about the “jolliest bunch of a**holes.” It mixes a healthy dose of Christmas language with everyday profanity.
1
“How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”
Once more, Clark throws out several comedic gems when he finally can’t take it anymore. Ellen pleads with her husband to let their family leave before things get worse. This is when Clark kicks off his tirade with, “How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.”
Following this classic line, Clark continues with his verbal symphony of frustrations and insults, including the previously mentioned line about Santa. Although it wasn’t mentioned on this list, Clark also yells out, “We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f**king Kaye.” Even though many millennials and those who subscribe to Gen Z may not be familiar with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, the line is still hilarious.
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