Since Date Everything! gives you 100 different Dateables to choose from, or 102 if you have the DLC, it seems reasonable to assume that not everyone is going to be your cup of tea. After all, if you did speed dating with 100 different people in real life, there’s no way you, or anyone, would hit it off with all 100 of them.
Of course, that is intentional, as not everyone has the same interests, so my favorite Dateables may not be yours and vice versa, but with 100 different options, everyone is bound to find at least one that they like. That being said, it also means that everyone is bound to find Date Everything! characters that they don’t like, which is likely why you have three different options for Dateables: Love, Friendship, and Hate.
10
Vaughn Trapp, The Mousetrap
It’s Not His Fault He’s A Mousetrap, But He’s Still A Mousetrap
Vaughn may or may not be an early meeting for you, depending on whether you can find the crawlspace on your own, but even if you meet him long after most of the others, nothing can prepare you for it. Unfortunately for Vaughn Trapp, they are the household rat trap. This means that a majority of their content is based around rats, killing rats, and cheese.
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I’m not particularly sure about you, but for me, it wasn’t exactly a conversation I looked forward to having when considering the other options around the house. While it’s, of course, not his fault that he’s a rat trap, and I feel bad that he seems to be aware of the fact that he’s unsettling, that didn’t change the fact that he still wanted to be covered in rats he could kill and, for that reason, I couldn’t wait to get away from him.
9
Stella, The Stairs
Being Recruited For A Pyramid Scheme Is A Major Turn-Off
This one, like Vaughn, is a bit unfortunate. When you meet Stella, the older lady of the house, she shares with you some information about how she’s become part of what is, essentially, a pyramid scheme. It’s clear from the start that she doesn’t fully understand that she’s being taken advantage of, and so, she genuinely puts in the effort to do a good job, which is even worse.
Unfortunately, this means that you spend most of your interactions with her going over her rehearsed sales pitches for air. Yes, cans of air. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Stella goes on to attempt to recruit you and other Dateables around the house. I felt bad for her, but not so bad that I was willing to feign interest in the scam she was unknowingly part of.
8
Tina, The Musical Triangle
Tina’s Love For Drama Is A Relationship Killer
While Tina’s a bit brash when you first meet her, I started to think she wouldn’t be too bad, until I spent some more time with her. As you get to know Tina, you learn that not only is she pretty rude each time you speak with her, but she’s a major fan of drama. While there’s nothing wrong with being dramatic sometimes, it becomes clear that Tina is an instigator of drama and is happily entertained by it.
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Don’t get me wrong, I can occasionally appreciate some good drama on reality TV, but when it comes to dating and friends, drama is something I like to stay far away from. So, if I’m forced to form some sort of relationship with someone who will actively seek it out, making them hate me is probably going to make me better off in the long run. Plus, she also hates music, which is a bit concerning given that she’s a musical triangle.
7
Timothy Timepiece, The Cat Clock
This Is One Appointment You Won’t Want To Keep
Timothy Timepiece is perhaps one of the strangest interactions I’ve had in the game. When you first meet him, you’re introduced to an uptight Dateable who berates you for attempting to speak with them without an appointment. As you get to know them more, this becomes a bit of a running theme as it’s clear that the only things Timothy cares about are timeliness and schedules.
However, after a somewhat strange interaction that feels a bit like a werewolf transformation, Timothy becomes Timmy. Unlike Timothy, Timmy is eager to make your acquaintance and leans a bit harder into his catboy persona, referring to you as his “Master” and purring in your presence. While I honestly preferred Timmy to Timothy, the jarring switch in personality and Timothy’s nagging were enough to take this Dateable off the list, even if he is voiced by the legendary Bryce Papenbrook.
6
Rebel, The Rubber Duck
At Some Point, It Just Felt Like Bullying
When you first meet Rebel, it’s clear that she’s intended to come off as a rebellious type, which is fine, but it never seems to move beyond that. Every interaction you have while getting to know them consists of them belittling you and mocking you. In fact, after your initial interaction with them, they flat out tell you that they will pop up whenever they feel like it, which leads to the Rubber Duck disappearing and you being unable to contact them yourself.
At the time of writing this article, Rebel was experiencing a glitch where anytime they pulled you aside, it would repeat the first interaction you had already completed with them. It was very disruptive and repetitive, but it was not part of the reasoning for her placement on this list because, unlike Daemon, it is not scripted and is being patched.
I was even willing to put in some effort to see whether we could tear through their hard shell and form something a bit more meaningful, but even a good relationship with Rebel consists of the same mean and dismissive attitude. I can appreciate why some people might enjoy this Date Everything! character, but the attitude never really felt playful to me, and so I couldn’t wait to make them hate me, which also weirdly felt like the correct outcome for them.
5
Telly, The Television
Fine, If You Feel Like Dating A Commercial
Telly is certainly one of the most visually striking Dateables you can meet, as when you interact with the TV you’re met with, well, a TV. Framing Telly’s head is a massive square flat-screen of hair that’s almost so distracting I couldn’t even focus on what was being said. Almost. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to completely miss Telly’s constant rhyming and commercial-like chatter.
I genuinely hadn’t even been trying to form a hate relationship with this Dateable, but with every conversation consisting of what felt like an advertisement for cable television, it seemed to just progress there naturally. Even though Telly wasn’t as directly rude as some of the other Dateables on this list, the sense of dread that they trigger anytime you see them was enough to have me glad I accidentally ended our relationship quickly.
4
Scandalabra, The Candelabra
With Scandal Literally In Their Name, The Only Thing Scandalablra Is Sure To Do Is Spill Your Secrets
Scandelabra, the Candelabra, doesn’t seem too bad at first glance, but the more you get to know him, the more insufferable he becomes. Viewing himself as the superior being of the house, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes every time we had an interaction. However, Scandelabra’s vanity isn’t even the worst thing about him.
As is literally in his name, Scandelabra loves a good scandal, which is a nice way of saying that he’s a major gossip. The more you chat with him, the more you’ll hear various “roomers” about other Dateables in Date Everything!, and while that’s not necessarily a positive trait in itself, it also means you can’t trust him with your secrets. Ultimately, a lack of trust means no relationship and no friendship, but that doesn’t feel like a major loss here.
3
Harper, The Hamper
The Definition Of A Horrible Partner
This one is almost painful to put so high considering that she’s voiced by the legendary voice actress Laura Bailey, but there’s no denying that Harper is a horrible Dateable. When you meet her, it’s in the midst of a fight with her current boyfriend, Dirk, and you ultimately witness what feels like the most toxic relationship in Date Everything!. Harper is desperate to be in control, convinced Dirk is cheating on her, and even Dirk warns you to stay away from her for your own sake.
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Thinking I couldn’t fully base my opinion on what Dirk said, I attempted to get to know Harper more, which quickly turned into a mistake. After being treated like her therapist, you learn that Harper is convinced everyone else is the problem, and she’s perfect. While I could feel for her a bit, as being constantly abandoned has likely taken its toll on her, it also isn’t an excuse for the toxic partner she has become, and everyone is better off steering clear.
2
Lux, The Lights
If The “I.N.F.L.U.N.C.E.R.” Life Isn’t For You, Stay Away
When I first met Lux, I wanted there to be something likable about them, but there simply isn’t. If the ring lights don’t give it away immediately, Lux is an influencer, or “I.N.F.L.U.N.C.E.R.,” who spends all of their time wrapped up in their world and treats you like just another fan passing through. As you get to know them, you hope the conversation might eventually get a bit deeper, but it won’t.
I was shocked when Chance mentioned Lux was interested in G&G, the D&D equivalent in Date Everything!, but I was quickly met with disappointment as all they did was trash the writing and cheat on their rolls. It’s clear, and plainly stated, that Lux sees themselves above others and thinks it’s their place to tell the world what to think and how to feel, and that’s just something I can’t imagine anyone would be on board with.
1
Doug, Your Existential Dread
Doug Literally Warns You That He’s Everything You Try To Avoid
Nearly everyone on this list has some redeemable qualities, and then there’s Doug. Doug is the personification of your existential dread, and man, does he play his role well. Right from the start, Doug was about as rude as he could be, and it wasn’t in the cool rebellious way that Rebel tried to be rude; it was just plain rude.
Everything he says is designed to make you feel horrible, and at one point, he even encourages you to post something to social media designed to be rage bait because he wants a good laugh. For most of the others on this list, I mostly just pursued hating them so they would leave me alone, but Doug earned the notable recognition of being someone I actively wanted to fight with.
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Of course, it goes without saying that this list is by no means a way of insulting the writing, design, or voice acting of these Dateables. Considering that these Dateables are all mostly designed to be unappealing, I would say that having them evoke these negative emotions from the majority of Date Everything! players means that everyone involved has impressively done what they set out to do.
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